Today’s the final series on people pleasing:

• In week one we spoke about the frameworks of people-pleasing

• Week two: we discussed it within the workplace environment

• Today we’ll talk about it in the social environment

As a finance person, a book on (personal finance) I read regularly is The Richest Man in Babylon.

The character in the intro laments his financial predicament and is mocked, for essentially making people around him rich by giving to everyone but himself, hence his financial situation.

That’s how I view “people-pleasing”, especially in friendship/social settings.

Picture me:

• Remembering everyone’s birthday

• Going the extra mile for “friends”

• Putting their needs above mine

• No reciprocation in return

This used to be me, then I thought Enough is Enough!

At work, I kinda accept that you may be limited in what you can do. But in my personal life, I’m okay with the gloves coming off.

I’ll discuss reasons for my people-pleasing antics growing up in social and friendship circles below:

1. Fear of rejection and pressure to please

2. Sacrificing Authenticity

3. Dangers of avoiding conflict

4. Enabling Toxic behaviors

1) Fear of rejection

Fear of rejection can make you do some silly things, compromising your values to fit in and please people who, quite frankly, may not do the same for you.

Especially being a neurodivergent, the feeling of rejection simply put is sh*t. We’re all fighting for acceptance, and relevance in one way or another.

As a result, it can lead to someone potentially losing themselves as you may do things to feel accepted.

2) Sacrificing Authenticity

As per above, losing yourself in trying to fit in will cost your authenticity. I spent some time questioning who I was from time to time. It wasn’t until I graduated from university that I started coming out of my shell and going back to my authentic self.

The problem with this was, that the people who thought they knew me, were not particularly happy. Perhaps they felt I deceived them.

You might see me cite Robert Greene’s book 48 Laws of Power from time to time.

One of the laws that helped me maintain a level of authenticity Law #38 “Think As You Like, But Behave Like Others”

3) Dangers of avoiding conflict

This has been my problem for years!

I’m “conflict avoidant” according to close people.

I am not an agreeable person by nature, I like to debate, and if in an argument it has to be over facts.

I’m aware I’m wired differently because of my neurodifference, and I may not see things from the lens of others.

As a result, I have to be mindful that I don’t get into debates that I deem to be “insignificant”.

The problem with this is that friends may take this differently and assume perhaps I’m a yes person, that can be walked over. I’m really just doing my best to maintain peace (essentially masking).

If I decide to conflict seek or have a bone to pick I:

• Ensure I’m in a calm state

• Write my case down, ensuring I stay on track

• Have a chat with A.I. on “scenario planning”

4) Enabling toxic behaviors

In addition to the above point, you end up allowing these people to get away with everything.

When I eventually found myself in positions to speak up to these people, it was “too little, too late”.

They’ve been used to treating me a certain way as a result of me people pleasing them essentially.

In some circles, I ended up “pulling the plug” and removing myself from those environments completely. I will admit that it’s arguably a passive-aggressive approach. But quite frankly I could care less. My mental health and sanity are more important.

Especially if there’s a chance I may be gas-lit.

Final Thoughts

From experience, people-pleasing is really down to perhaps a combination of low self-esteem plus being nice a person.

Our “friends” can smell this like a pack of hyenas and capitalize on this. Some may genuinely not be aware of what they’re doing. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.

But it’s super important to get yourself out of that toxic cycle whenever and wherever you can.

That’s it for our series on people-pleasing. Hope you enjoyed it. Next week will be 1 year since my ADHD diagnosis, I’ll share 12 months of learning. Stay tuned!

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Lastly,

Next week we’ll talk about my first year as a diagnosed ADHDer.

Stay Tuned and Stay Different,

The AuDHD Exec

Disclaimer: I am not your psychiatrist, coach, doctor. Neurodiverse Diary does not provide medical services or professional counselling and is not a substitute for professional medical care. Everything I publish represents my opinions, experience, not advice.