This is part 1 of the 3 series on “people pleasing”

For the next three weeks, we’ll cover:

• People pleasing in the workplace

• People pleasing in friendship and social setting

Today, we’ll delve into the “people-pleasing” origins and frameworks we should be aware of.

Ever felt like you’re constantly bending over backward to keep everyone around you happy, only to feel drained by the end of the day?

Welcome to the exhausting world of people-pleasing. And if you’re a neurodivergent like me, this probably hits even harder.

It's a habit that seems to stick like glue, whether it's masking in social situations or feeling like you must go the extra mile just to be accepted.

But why do so many of us fall into this pattern? What’s at the root of people-pleasing?

Today, we’ll break down some of the key psychological frameworks that can help us understand where this behavior may come from.

Understanding the “why” behind our need to people-please is the first step toward freeing ourselves from it:

1. Masking

2. Cognitive Dissonance

3. Attachment Theory

4. Social Identity Theory

Let’s get into it

1) The Mask We Wear

Ever feel like you’ve spent so much time trying to fit in that you’re not sure who you are anymore? You’re not alone in that.

For many neurodivergent people, people-pleasing is a survival strategy.

I wrote something on masking here. It's when we hide our true selves to fit into environments that aren't built for us.

For someone on the autism spectrum or with ADHD etc, this might mean suppressing behaviors that come naturally, like interrupting convos or speaking directly, to avoid judgment or rejection.

The thing is… masking doesn’t just drain us; it also leaves us feeling disconnected from ourselves.

A 2021 study by Hull et al. found that autistic people who mask frequently experience intense emotional exhaustion.

Losing their sense of identity along the way. In a world that feels like it constantly demands conformity, people-pleasing can become second nature, but the emotional toll is immense!

I often spend a lot more time recharging to recover from a week’s worth of masking at work!

2) Cognitive Dissonance: The Strain of Living in Two Worlds

Another framework that helps explain people-pleasing is cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance refers to a situation involving:

• Conflicting attitudes

• Beliefs

• Behaviors

This is the uncomfortable tension we feel when our actions don’t match our beliefs.

Think about it, how many times have you agreed with someone or gone along with a plan just to avoid conflict, even though everything inside you was probably screaming, “Nah, that’s not me”?

For neurodivergent people, that dissonance is a constant theme. Imagine always feeling out of sync with social norms.

The easiest way to reduce that discomfort is to mold yourself to fit in, even if it means betraying what you really want or need.

And we do this because the discomfort of standing out feels too overwhelming to bear. 

But here’s the painful part: in the process of pleasing others, we often lose touch with our own desires!

The below diagram should help visualize how this works:

3) Attachment Theory: Seeking Safety Through Approval

This is my favorite theory in the relationship context!

From a young age, the relationships we form with our caregivers shape how we form bonds later in life.

According to the theory, there are three attachment styles:

1) Secure Attached

In childhood: These individuals likely had caregivers who were consistently responsive to their needs, creating a sense of security.

In adulthood: Secure individuals have healthier, more balanced relationships and tend to be less anxious or avoidant of intimacy.

2) Anxious Attached

In childhood: This often stems from inconsistent caregiving, where a child cannot predict when or how their needs will be met, creating anxiety.

In adulthood: Anxiously attached individuals may become overly focused on pleasing others, seeking constant validation, and may struggle with insecurity in relationships

3) Avoidance Attached

In childhood: This style often results from caregivers who are emotionally unavailable or dismissive of the child's needs, leading the child to become self-sufficient and avoid relying on others.

In adulthood: Avoidant individuals may have difficulty expressing their feelings and may avoid close relationships or intimacy.

The anxious attachment style is more aligned with people-pleasing behavior.

These individuals tend to fear rejection or abandonment, so they often engage in people-pleasing to gain approval and avoid disapproval.

If you’ve grown up feeling like you have to be perfect to earn love and approval, it’s no surprise that you’d carry this belief into adulthood.

For neurodivergent individuals who might have felt misunderstood or rejected growing up, people-pleasing is a way to maintain a sense of security in relationships.

It’s almost like a subconscious thought: “If I keep everyone happy, they won’t leave me”.

4) Social Identity Theory: The Need to Belong

It’s human nature to want to fit in. According to social identity theory, we derive a sense of who we are from the groups we belong to. But what happens when you’re neurodivergent, and the groups you’re part of don’t fully accept or understand you?

People-pleasing, in this case, becomes a way to cling to that sense of belonging. Whether it’s:

• At work

• In social circles

• Within your family

You might find yourself constantly trying to meet expectations that don’t align with your true self, just to avoid feeling isolated.

For many neurodivergent people, the fear of standing out or being seen as “difficult” leads to an endless cycle of suppressing your needs in favor of group harmony.

That’s it for today, next week we’ll continue the people-pleasing series. Talking about it in a workplace setting

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Disclaimer: I am not your psychiatrist, coach, doctor. Neurodiverse Diary does not provide medical services or professional counselling and is not a substitute for professional medical care. Everything I publish represents my opinions, experience, not advice.