Last Week:

• We kicked off our series on people-pleasing here, we discussed the origins of people-pleasing.

• Today is part II of people-pleasing: In the workplace

Before I started the corporate world, I bought a book called The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene.

I had been taken advantage of for my:

• Kindness, and

• People-pleasing behavior

So I bought the book as a defence mechanism.

Please don’t judge me, I was very young, it was before I knew therapy existed (I’m not that old) I was just ignorant of treatment!

The first Law in the book is: “Never outshine the master”. This law was engrained in my head forever.

I have a love-hate relationship with this law because, on the one hand, it’s helped me mask well when required; on the other, it’s cost me speaking up due to anxiety and imposter syndrome.

From experience, people-pleasing in the workplace setting come down to:

• The company culture

• Your boss’s (masters’) insecurity

• Your insecurities

Exhibit A: You have an insecure manager

I’ve worked for managers in the past, that are hella insecure and would do anything to keep you where you are, perhaps because you’re more:

• Qualified

• Charismatic

• Competent

You’re essentially a threat to them.

Situations like this are just sh*t and upsetting. I came into the corporate world with big dreams and ideas, and now an insecure individual is doing everything to stop it.

Also, early in my career, I lacked emotional regulation. I was conscious that if I ever got ‘drawn out’, I’d go off on one. I didn’t find these environments safe enough to speak up or go against the grain.

It just cripples you with anxiety and you just freeze.

Deciding to “people please” by not outshining the master was probably a safer bet. I thought.

In my head, I’ve “checked out” and I’m playing the long game to leave eventually. The best thing I can do is “get in line”, with the boss and secure a new position outside the company down the line.

If you’re able to read the social cues and you’re a sensitive neurodivergent like me you can probably spot an insecure manager from a mile away. My take on this if you experience this…

Get the F*ck out there. Otherwise, it’ll hinder your growth. You never want to be in that kind of environment!

Exhibit B: You have a secure manager

This right here is The AuDHD Exec’s playground!

Steve Jobs once said:

I agree with this. My best roles have come with working for secured bosses. They’re not threatened, nor am I, I feel safe. I don’t have to people please as per exhibit A. I can showcase my ADHD side more and be myself:

• Impulsive

• Interrupting conversations

• Saying my thoughts

All of the above is within reason.

If you’re a manager and aware you have neurodivergent staff, please:

• Encourage them

• Make them feel safe

• Have regularly checkins

In this kind of environment, I’m simply at my best! The people pleasing dynamic is different from Exhibit A. The people pleasing here is me “showing my boss how indispensable I am to the team and company, I’m irreplaceable” in a healthier way.

In one role, I had a boss who essentially told me they couldn’t care less about how I got the work done. As long as it’s done, that’s all that matters. “Feel free to come up with new ideas and ways of doing things and improving processes”

The mentality here is different. As an ADHDer who gets bored quite easily, having a blank canvas to do what I want allowing me to showcase my ability is an ADHDers dream!

As a neurodivergent, we’re great problem solvers. I require things that are gonna stimulate my mind and give me more dopamine.

I’m not a psychiatrist, but as a neurodivergent I believe I can spot others. In this cybersecurity company, I had a suspicion that a few of the computer scientists were autistic, based on the symptoms they displayed.

Anyways… They were given the freedom to manage their projects. I wish I could tell you precisely what they did, unfortunately, I knew nothing about computer science and engineering.

All I remember was seeing pay increases to a bunch of them when I reviewed the payroll file!

They were extremely passionate about their work, they worked extremely hard to solve continuous problems. It was very inspiring!

Exhibit C: You’ve said ‘yes’ to everyone

This has been my nemesis!

I’ve had a very bad habit of offering my services to colleagues and saying: “Let me know if you need any help”. I’m sure you know what happens next…

They tend to make mental notes of this, and then the bombarding starts! We delved into this in the boundaries series here. The cause of this behavior was down to me wanting everyone to like me.

In the end, it was me who suffered the consequences. I could either:

• Help these people as promised, running the risk of burnout

• Go against my promise to help, letting them down

The harsh truth on this, in the corporate world some people can smell your insecurities. They may not hold back, especially if you’ve offered your services to them!

Learning how and when to push back or negotiate the terms was a game changer for me:

That’s it for today, next week we’ll wrap up the people-pleasing series. Talking about it in a friendship setting. Saving the best for last!

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Lastly,

Next week, we’ll finish off the series on “people-pleasing” and talk about it in a social and friendship setting.

Stay Different,

The AuDHD Exec

Disclaimer: I am not your psychiatrist, coach, doctor. Neurodiverse Diary does not provide medical services or professional counselling and is not a substitute for professional medical care. Everything I publish represents my opinions, experience, not advice.