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The Pressure Cooker Problem

For a lot of us, conflict at work isn’t just about the disagreement. It’s about managing our emotional state while it’s happening.

Without that regulation, it can feel like a pressure cooker building toward an eruption.

There’s science behind it. Research on ADHD and autistic brains points to a more reactive amygdala paired with a prefrontal cortex that has a harder time putting the brakes on; the emotional “gas pedal” runs strong while the “brake” is weaker. Staying calm isn’t a character flaw; it’s a skill we have to build deliberately.

From Avoidance to Ownership

Early in my career, I was conflict-avoidant. Head down, get the job done, steer clear of friction.

As I climbed the ladder, I realised technical skill only takes you so far; stakeholder management and conflict resolution matter just as much. When you shy away from conflict, people notice.

It can read as weakness or lack of confidence, even when that’s not what’s going on.

Fight, Flight, and the Words That Come Too Late

In the moment, our nervous system doesn’t always cooperate. I’ve known the facts but couldn’t recall them cleanly under pressure; my brain went into flight mode.

Hours later it hits: why didn’t I say X? It’s not a failure of knowledge; it’s a timing problem.

What Actually Helps

What helps starts with settling your nervous system first: breathing, light music, whatever works for you.

The habit that’s changed things most for me is constant notes on meetings and discussions. I review them so my brain can see things clearly and I can recall faster when it matters.

In practice, I capture three things: key points plus my position, open questions, and a post-meeting note of what was actually said versus what I wished I’d said.

That last one is especially useful when the words don’t come in the moment.

Signal Over Noise

The other shift is separating noise from signal. Noise is the tone, harsh words, blunt delivery.

Signal is the actual point. If I focus on the “noise”, I lose my footing. So I train myself to listen for the signal.

In a previous job, someone raised concerns about the accuracy of the financials. The delivery felt pointed, but the signal was clear: they needed numbers they could rely on.

I responded that we had no systems in place; everything was still manual, creating real risk around control and accuracy. Staying with the signal let me address the issue without getting pulled into the tone.

It’s nothing personal. Remembering that takes the sting out. Calm isn’t the absence of conflict. It’s what lets you meet it on your own terms.

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Lastly,

Stay Different,

The AuDHD Exec

Disclaimer: I am not your psychiatrist, coach, doctor. Neurodiverse Diary does not provide medical services or professional counselling and is not a substitute for professional medical care. Everything I publish represents my opinions, experience, not advice.